To Exist Without Circumstance

I try to control my emotions. I feel like it's the one thing that I can have some control over in this messed up, confusing, backwards world. Every so often I feel my emotions gaining on me, waiting to get the best of me. heavy weight on my chest, my feeble heart pumping away under the pressure. can't breathe.

My brother died. I watched him twitch and fight to stay alive. I watched my parents cry the saddest tears I've ever seen. I heard him gasp and choke for air. I saw his heart stop, then his body twitch as he gasped for air, and his heart continued fighting. I saw the muscles in his neck strain and then relax as he parted his lips and took his last breathe. I watched the pulse in his neck fade away, hoping it would start again like before.

I remember playing outside until the we heard our mother calling us from the house, and choosing to ignore her for one more game of manhunt. I remember hours upon hours of matchbox cars and action figures. I remember cooking for my brother and his stoner friends. Rides to school. Fighting, fighting, fighting. I remember sharing secrets, listening to him tell me how he lost his virginity and how it wasn't as cool as it was supposed to be. Being begged to join him and drink to celebrate his young eighteen years. Fighting. Laughing, laughing. I remember a brother who loved life, and lived every moment of it.

I lost my brother, but I lost much.much.more.