I guess this is the part where I delete the silly and awkward pictures off of my hard drive. Her face and eyes and lips are just taking up space. My heart is just taking up space.
Thinking in the wrong pronouns and arguments about genderfucking, oppression, and left-wing conservatism. Our relationship was sour in the end.
The end.
Except this isn't really the end. Nothing stopped, it just dissolved. Melted. We were ice cream that turned into a smoothie that turned into a sticky mess smashed into the carpet.
I'll delete the pictures, but not the words. You can get rid of the images but not the feelings.
Ultimately, I ended it. He's in the USMC, and I'm just a silly college boy who dreams of love and loves, but doesn't really love at all. What started as a one night stand, turned into a rocky and unpredictable barely-over-a-year long relationship, turned into a war head of a break-up. sweet-cheek-puckering bitterness.
It was a relationship. we dated and fucked and I met his parents and family, but knew he would never meet mine. He's black. I'm not. We both cared.. maybe too much, probably too little. Selfish, I just wanted someone to turn to. Emotionally neglected as a child. I'm a masochistic sadist, I knew from the start it wouldn't work. Oh, but I wanted it to. I wanted it to work so badly I wished and wished, and would have sold my feeble little soul if only I could know it would work out..
No matter how soon I start dating, the taste of his lips salty with tears remains on my lips, with the slight buzzing feeling of bliss. The perfectly genuine smile that allowed me to do nothing except tear up and smile, and hate him for making me so happy. The never ending energy that made me feel alive from the very first moment I opened my eyes every day, until he kissed me and I fell asleep. It all remains. He's gone, but the feelings are still there. They will always be there, even after I've dated and fallen in love with someone else who is absolutely perfect in their own ways, even after I'm married and have two children and spend my weekends grilling for my family and friends because I can't stand the thought of being alone.. I'll always love him for what he did, didn't, and couldn't do for me.
Ultimately, it doesn't matter. He's in the USMC, and I'm just a boy. We were never meant to be. I love him, and I hope he will love someone else, but in a different way.
It was a relationship. we dated and fucked and I met his parents and family, but knew he would never meet mine. He's black. I'm not. We both cared.. maybe too much, probably too little. Selfish, I just wanted someone to turn to. Emotionally neglected as a child. I'm a masochistic sadist, I knew from the start it wouldn't work. Oh, but I wanted it to. I wanted it to work so badly I wished and wished, and would have sold my feeble little soul if only I could know it would work out..
No matter how soon I start dating, the taste of his lips salty with tears remains on my lips, with the slight buzzing feeling of bliss. The perfectly genuine smile that allowed me to do nothing except tear up and smile, and hate him for making me so happy. The never ending energy that made me feel alive from the very first moment I opened my eyes every day, until he kissed me and I fell asleep. It all remains. He's gone, but the feelings are still there. They will always be there, even after I've dated and fallen in love with someone else who is absolutely perfect in their own ways, even after I'm married and have two children and spend my weekends grilling for my family and friends because I can't stand the thought of being alone.. I'll always love him for what he did, didn't, and couldn't do for me.
Ultimately, it doesn't matter. He's in the USMC, and I'm just a boy. We were never meant to be. I love him, and I hope he will love someone else, but in a different way.
No comments:
Post a Comment